WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made during the first cabinet meeting in over 11 months today, as First Lady Dr. Jill Biden was officially sworn in as the first female president of the United States.
"Look at me. I'm the president now. What is it I'm supposed to do?" Dr. Biden said according to official White House transcripts.
According to media reports, Dr. Biden showed true leadership when she manipulated her senile husband into letting her run a cabinet meeting, where she promptly invoked the 25th amendment to have him removed from office.
Former President Joe Biden was escorted from the White House grounds by members of the Secret Service.
Cabinet members reportedly shrugged and continued with the cabinet meeting as normal, eager to report to the president — whoever that was — since they hadn't had a chance to do so in nearly a year.
According to legal experts, Dr. Biden assumed the presidency ahead of Vice President Kamala Harris due to a loophole allowing a hastily scrawled will on a napkin to override the Constitution. It is unlikely that any argument before the Supreme Court would hold.
House Speaker Mike Johnson, visibly dismayed by the news, blamed America's founding fathers. "Those fools never planned for a first lady manipulating her husband into giving her the presidency," Johnson said in a Fox News interview. "You failed us, Thomas Jefferson!"
Video footage showed the media and cabinet members applauding their new president several times throughout the meeting, clearly impressed by her moxie. "She's a real go-getter," said Antony Blinken. "I'm not even mad!"
At publishing time, President First Lady Doctor Jill Biden had declared war on Russia.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
