Man Deeply Regrets Not Sinning

TOLEDO, OH—Speaking in slow, trailing words through lightly-gritted teeth, local man David Miner reportedly expressed a deep disgust with himself Saturday for not taking a golden opportunity to sin.

“I was the only one around. It was one of my favorite sins, too,” lamented Miner. “It was a tailor-made opportunity to commit an act of blatant rebellion against my loving Creator, without compromising my public Christian reputation one bit. But did I take advantage? Nope. I didn’t. I just sat there like a dunce, resisting and praying in Jesus’s name until the temptation eventually passed. What was I thinking?”

This isn’t the first time this has happened lately, according to Miner. He claims to be noticing as of late a disturbing pattern of sin-resistance, even godliness, in his life.

“This is how habits form,” he continued, soberly. “Will I blow it again tomorrow, and pass up on another perfect opportunity to trample the blood of Christ underfoot? Is this the way my life is headed?”

“I’m just so stinking disappointed in myself,” added a visibly anguished Miner. “I missed out on a two, or even a three-minute adrenaline rush. And for what?”