WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a swift and decisive response to the drone and missile attack on Israeli targets over the weekend, President Joe Biden retaliated against Iran by attaching a note to the next pallet of cash that reads "PLEASE DO NOT USE FOR TERRORISM."

The note, which was translated into Farsi, was placed in a clearly visible location on the next U.S. shipment of cash being sent to Tehran, with the Biden administration confident that its stern tone would ensure the Iranian regime would know not to use any of the billions of U.S. dollars on terrorism.

"Listen up, folks," Biden said in a brief statement announcing the retaliatory measure. "We're serious. Just as serious as… as serious as… we're just as… we're… well, anyway, in all seriousness. I have personally notified the Iranian government that they are not allowed to use any of this money for terrorism. So, if they're thinking about doing it… I'll just… I'll say… I'm saying… don't."

When reached for comment, a spokesman for the Iranian regime expressed willingness to adhere to the directions of the note. "Ah, yes," the spokesman said as laughter could be heard in the background of the phone call. "The directions are very clear. We will not use any of these billions and billions of dollars to do any of the things we used the last pallet of cash to do. We promise. Thank you, and death to America."

At publishing time, the White House warned Iran that the following shipment of cash pallets would be clearly marked with "PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?" notes if they failed to follow the directions of this note.

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