Wide-Eyed John Hagee Learns About 2016 Supermoon

SAN ANTONIO, TX—According to sources close to the popular Bible teacher and prophecy expert, a wide-eyed, visibly excited John Hagee was informed about Monday’s historic supermoon, the brightest since 1948, Sunday afternoon.

“It’s gonna be how big?!” Hagee whispered breathlessly. “This is huge. I didn’t account for this in any of my charts. Oh boy—this could be it. This could really be it,” he muttered, pulling out an astronomical prophecy chart he keeps in his coat pocket.

“Yep, I think this is it,” he reportedly added, fumbling for his phone in order to dial his family and inform them of the potentially apocalyptic heavenly sign. “First God’s anointed makes it into the white house, now this.”

Setting up his ministry’s high-powered telescope on top of his church building, Hagee was seen packing snacks, a blanket, and a cooler of grape soda to watch the astronomical event Sunday evening and early Monday morning. According to sources close to Hagee, the pastor also made several phone calls to make sure his estate was in order, “just in case this is it.”