Wesleyan Church Closes Doors After Pastor Stumbles Upon Romans 9

ROMULUS, NY—Explaining that there wasn’t much he could do about it in light of his discovery, local pastor Dale Irwin announced the closing of Romulus Wesleyan Church Monday after he accidentally stumbled upon Chapter 9 of the Book of Romans while thumbing through his Bible.

“I was always taught that Chapter 9 of Romans was just a Puritan fairy tale,” Irwin said at an afternoon press conference announcing the closing. “But I was flipping through the Bible in preparation for Sunday’s message, ‘Choose To Elect Yourself,’ and I mistakenly turned right to it—there it was, staring me in the face.”

Asked if he then proceeded to read the chapter, a visibly shaken Irwin replied that, indeed, he had.

“I read it, yes, and—welp, what can I say? That’s it. We had a good run,” sighed Irwin, adding that maybe he’ll fall in with another denomination or soteriological camp once the shock of it all passes.

At publishing time, Irwin had decided he might as well check to see if there was actually a Chapter 6 of the Book of John as well.