Whether you’re visiting your parents’ stuffy old Baptist church or piling into the family minivan because the kids are begging to ride the roller coaster at the sleek new megachurch down the street, the age-old question persists: what should you wear?
Wonder no longer, good and faithful servant. We sent a team of Babylon Bee agents to over two thousand churches, big and small, new and old, all across the land to research customs, dress codes, fashion do’s and fashion don’ts. This exhaustively researched article is the result, and it’s absolutely packed with helpful fashion tips.
Bookmark this page and check it any time you’re unsure what it is you ought to be wearing to church!
Baptist—When you hit the local Baptist church, dust off your best polo shirt and slacks, like Jesus wore. Women should be sure to wear long enough skirts, lest they should cause a brother to stumble by flashing too much ankle.
Calvary Chapel—God is worthy of our Sunday best, so make sure you pick out your finest sandals, shorts, and Hawaiian print shirt when you show your face at one of your city’s fifty-eight Calvary Chapel churches. The hardcore believers will be touting a copy of Left Behind or The Late Great Planet Earth tucked beneath their arm.
Presbyterian & Reformed—The key word here is classy. Sport a three-piece suit, top hat, and a monocle. Pair with glass of scotch or craft beer and a Romeo y Julieta brand cigar to really blend in.
Non-Denominational Megachurch—Whatever you woke up in. If it’s good enough to party in late Saturday night and crash on your couch in, it’s good enough for God. If you overdress by wearing a shirt that doesn’t show some skin or a low-key, modest outfit, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb!
Pentecostal—Go with something loose and flowing—anything good for waving your arms around in or flopping around like Magikarp. Secret pockets and compartments you can use to stow a tambourine or dancing ribbon are useful.
Catholic—You’d best wear your spiffiest Sunday outfit or your Grandma will pinch you, and it will hurt like the dickens. If your Grandma isn’t there, don’t worry, someone else’s Grandma will assume her pinching duties.
Methodist—Mainline Methodists should wear a tie-dye T-shirt with a left-leaning political statement like LOVE IS LOVE or PRIDE. If you’re one of the few Methodists still left in orthodoxy, a WESLEY IS MY HOMEBOY shirt oughtta do it.
Lutheran—16th-century German monastic robes are ideal. If you are having trouble locating those, you can go with a Baptist-esque business casual outfit as a fallback. But really, you’re gonna want to try to find the robes if you don’t want to look like a loser.
Episcopalian—Wear anything you want; no one will be there to see you anyway.
Eastern Orthodox—Your outfit doesn’t matter so much as the fact that you’ve got a long, flowing beard. Women are not exempt from this requirement.