Voting Machine Glitch Only Showing Voters Two Terrible Major-Party Candidates

U.S.—Numerous reports coming in from the nation’s polling places indicate that voting machines are allegedly defective, displaying only two awful major-party candidates for the presidency, both of whom are “terribly unfit for office,” sources confirmed.

“I tried to use the machine to select a reasonable candidate, and instead was only shown a corrupt career politician and an unstable megalomaniac,” one elderly woman in Connecticut told reporters. “I’m worried this glitch will affect the outcome of the election and the future of our nation.”

Investigative reporters claim they were able to replicate the glitch at polling booths nationwide, later providing video evidence of faulty machines that only display two awful selections for the U.S. presidency.

“Some machines we tested seemed to allow for a third or fourth choice,” a CNN article reported this morning. “But all of them had two shockingly terrible candidates for president prominently displayed as the two primary selections.”

At publishing time, polling machine manufacturers were reportedly scrambling to determine the cause of the error in order to replace any faulty machines nationwide.