Violence-Free Bible Now Available

We know what you’re thinking: why does the Bible have to be so, you know, violent? Any honest look at human history shows we’ve progressed beyond all that barbaric, blood-soaked, pillage-the-Canaanites Old Testament stuff.

It’s the 21st century, after all, and we all know that love wins! God is all about peace, rainbows, and self-esteem. Nobody wants to open their Bible and get smacked in the face with images displaying the gory consequences of sin, the grisly certitude of death, and the murderous nature of the human heart. Wars? Yuck.  Animal sacrifice? Bleck. Disembowelment? DISGUSTING.

Well, you’re in luck. Just in time for the holidays, the Coalition of Progressive Christian Publishers has come together to bring us a new Violence-Free Version of God’s Holy Word.

The publisher has graciously offered The Babylon Bee an exclusive selection of story summaries from the VFV:

  • Angered by humanity’s sin, God drowns the earth in a global flood of puppies and candy.
  • As a sign of the covenant, God commands Abraham to get a lit “Shalom” tattoo on his wrist.
  • The Israelites and their Egyptian captors collaborate to reduce their collective carbon footprint, causing the Red Sea to lower.
  • Jericho attempts to build a wall to keep the Israelites out, but is unable to secure federal funding and public support.  Israel walks right through the city without killing anyone.
  • Jael, Heber’s wife, picks up a tent peg and a hammer and helps stake down the family tent while he sleeps—Proverbs 31 woman right there!
  • The shepherd boy David defeats the Philistine Goliath in a casual 5K Fun Run to combat leprosy.
  • After being taunted by 42 dangerous youths, Elisha surprises the gang of rowdy ne’er-do-wells with two big bear hugs.
  • Job is tested by Satan with first-world problems like his iPhone X cracking after an unfortunate drop and Starbucks being sold out of his favorite beverage after waiting in a long drive-thru line.
  • In the imprecatory Psalms, the Psalmist prays that the Lord would metaphorically bash the skulls of his enemies with His love and kindness.
  • Nebuchadnezzar totally roasts Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego with a fiery Facebook rant, only for an anonymous fourth commenter to come to their defense with some savage memes.
  • When He’s about 33 years old, Jesus establishes a large megachurch at Calvary, has a successful, uplifting ministry, and eventually retires to the Sea of Galilee on his attractive 401K plan.
  • Ananias and Sapphira donate part of their allotted offering to the church, and the Apostle Peter asks them to stand and be recognized for their generous donation.
  • Just before it’s about to start, the Battle of Armageddon is canceled. Jesus rolls up on a Segway in order to pass out participation trophies to everyone. Great job, guys!

What great stories from the Bible, only slightly altered for maximum warmth and fuzziness! The Violence-Free Version of the Bible is available today.