US Olympic Preaching Team Advances To Semifinals

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Anchored by team captain John Piper’s incredible performance which won near-perfect scores in exegesis, passion, warmth, and gesticulations, the 2016 United States Olympic Preaching Team rallied late in their Friday match against a talented squad of underground church preachers from China to claim victory and advance to the semifinals.

“We were sweating bullets when [Matt] Chandler stepped up to the pulpit,” a stone-faced John MacArthur told reporters as an assistant wiped the sweat from his brow and offered him a sip from a Gatorade bottle, which he declined. “Our brothers from the East were much more convicting than we anticipated. But praise be to God, Matt gave a rousing expository message focused on the Great Commission—and then when he stuck his closing prayer, we knew the contest was ours.”

Early rounds of the preaching tournament saw the highly favored US team breezing through some lopsided matchups. While Alistair Begg briefly gave the team a run for their money preaching for his native Scotland in the second round, the Scottish-American preacher was disqualified upon the discovery by an Olympic investigative committee that he has been faking his accent for the past thirty years.

While the current schedule has the Americans facing off against an undefeated team of Australian preachers this weekend, US preacher David Platt is not worried. “Sure, they have some awesome accents and they’re a solid team—but let’s see if they’re still standing after I drop this Revelation 6 gospel bomb I’ve been working on.”