U.S. Christians Brace For Brutal Onslaught Of ‘Happy Holidays’ Attacks

U.S.—As Christmas season arrives, Christians across America have begun intense preparations to withstand the vicious attacks they expect to face during the month of December as coworkers, store employees, and even random passersby ruthlessly wish them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” according to reports.

“It’s brutal,” complains Dave Coleman, who has celebrated Christmas his entire life. “People I don’t know, who may not even believe in Jesus, think they can just insult me in the street by invoking an all-encompassing phrase that acknowledges multiple faith traditions? How is that freedom of religion?”

“What has this country come to? It’s too much for me to handle,” he added.

Open Doors, a watchdog group that monitors the global persecution of Christians, reports that “Happy Holidays” attacks are already up 400% this season. In response to this disturbing trend, Christians around the world have organized prayer vigils to support the victims.

One North Korean believer spoke to reporters from an underground church meeting, on the condition of anonymity, out of concern for government threats on his life for practicing Christianity. “We stand with our American brothers and sisters during this barbaric onslaught of persecution. We pray for God’s strength to endure the torture you will encounter during your shopping trips, winter festivals, and holiday parties.”

According to sources, Christians nationwide have formulated a strategy to lovingly respond to their tormentors by loudly screaming “And a Merry Christmas to you!” at anyone who threatens to wish them a Happy Holiday.