Unrepentant Hedonist Really Banking On Sinner’s Prayer He Recited At Age 7

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—As he continues to live out a vigorous and shameless pursuit of anything and everything that gives him any degree of temporary pleasure, sources confirmed Friday that local unrepentant hedonist Justin Bergman, 29, is really banking on the sinner’s prayer he recited as a small child.

After a sleepless three-day binge of drugs, alcohol, and sex, Bergman was approached by a friend who expressed concern over the man’s eternal soul, to which he is said to have replied, “Don’t worry about me, man—I asked Jesus into my heart a long time ago. Me and God are good.”

“I know I’m going to heaven when I die—I did that whole thing. I’m a Christian,” he added, before replying to texts from from his drug dealer and a married woman whom he is currently seeing.

“I hope you’re not judging me,” he cautioned.

Pressed about the legitimacy of his walk with Christ, Bergman reportedly replied, “If I knew where my Bible was I’d prove it to you. The guy who helped me say the sinner’s prayer wrote in the front of my Bible that I was saved and going to Heaven, with the date and everything, so I’d never forget or question it.”

“I’m totally good,” he confirmed.