BERKELEY, CA - UC Berkeley's recently installed "opposing worldview" alarm system began blaring right on schedule Thursday afternoon, as conservative author and speaker Ben Shapiro arrived on campus to deliver a speech titled "Say No to Campus Thuggery."

As the noted author and news personality breached the campus perimeter, the piercing sirens began echoing across the campus, accompanied by an automated message telling students "This is not a test. Please stay in your dormitories. We are currently in an active conservative situation. This is not a test."

"Our alarms, designed to detect any viewpoint that doesn't line up with a progressive worldview, performed exactly as designed in this crisis," campus head of security Carl Blake told reporters. "We were able to quickly apprehend Mr. Shapiro to ensure he wasn't able to confront any of our students with his dangerous and potentially deadly free speech."

According to school officials, Shapiro was then quickly escorted to the campus's "Department of Truth," where he was led to Room 101 for questioning.