BERKELEY, CA—Construction teams at UC Berkeley arrived Friday to begin an ambitious project designed to convert the entire campus into a sprawling echo chamber, with the work to be completed over the summer in time for the upcoming fall semester.
The chamber will be completely soundproof, not allowing any outside thoughts or opinions to make their way into the various dorms, common areas, and classrooms.
“We’ve always been pretty careful to keep opinions homogeneous around here anyway. Still, once in a while an opposing worldview would somehow make its way onto the campus, causing widespread triggering and panic,” a faculty member told reporters. “But now, when parents spend well north of $100,000 so their kids can get a degree at our prestigious university, they’ll be secure in the fact that the worldview they already had when they arrived will be reinforced for the entirety of their time with us.”
Constructed out of all-new, state-of-the-art construction materials, the walls surrounding the Berkeley campus will filter out any unapproved worldviews or perspectives, only allowing officially sanctioned lines of thinking to get through for the safety of the students. All entrances and exits will also reportedly be manned with a team of “thought security guards,” who will be responsible for the “extreme vetting” of opinions allowed onto school grounds.
“Isn’t this what college is all about—encountering a variety of pre-approved opinions?” a school rep said.