PALM BEACH, FL—As the delegates keep piling up, it appears that Donald Trump is moving closer to being the Republican nominee. When asked about possible cabinet members in a Trump presidency Wednesday, The Donald replied, “I’m going to find the smartest and most successful people to do those jobs. They will be winners, that I can tell you.”
Following his statement to the press, Trump released a shortlist of possible cabinet members Thursday morning, with justifications for each choice. Some of the picks seem obvious, while others are a bit more controversial:
Does it matter? All Trump, all the time.
DEPARTMENT OF STATE
Jeff Probst, because he’s good at negotiating with competing factions, and somehow Survivor is still on TV.
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY
Oprah, because she is really rich, too. And I love women. She will likely accept because, as I’ve said, I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE
The X-men. Even though they are mutants, I assume some of them are good people. Plus they have cool powers.
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
One of those guys from Suits. Doesn’t matter which one.
DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR
Some large coal or oil corporation’s CEO. Must be a Washington outsider.
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
Jerry Miller, founder of FarmersOnly.com.
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE
Jordan Belfort, the Wolf of Wall Street. Winner.
DEPARTMENT OF LABOR
Bill Rancic, winner of The Apprentice , Season 1. Because he’s a winner, and we’re going to win so much that we’ll be sick of winning. And then we’ll win some more.
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES
The remaining surviving cast of Grey’s Anatomy.
DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT
Chip and Joanna Gaines. If they can do for America what they’ve done for Waco, we’ll be on our way to greatness again.
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION
Kyle Bush, NASCAR champion. Winner.
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
Deadpool. Not sure why, but it just feels right.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
Barney. The obvious choice.
DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS
Alan Alda, to honor my liberal past, and to reach across the aisle.
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Jason Bourne. He kills bad guys. We need more of that.
Michael W. Austin is a philosophy professor at Eastern Kentucky University.