NEW YORK — Judge Juan Manuel Merchan was reassuring the public that former President Trump would receive a fair trial when he was interrupted by the sound of construction crews assembling giant gallows outside the courthouse.

"I feel like there may be just a hint of bias here," said local citizen Dan Gould as he watched the crew prepare for a public hanging. "Maybe I'm wrong, but already having a noose with Trump's name on it doesn't seem totally impartial."

Judge Merchan, wearing a robe with a hood suspiciously reminiscent of a hangman, dismissed the objections, insisting that the gallows were merely a decorative touch to shake up the courthouse ambiance. "Oh, don't mind those," chuckled Judge Merchan. "Those gallows, the stocks, and the big sign saying 'Trump Goes Here' are just for looks. This is a completely legitimate, fair trial we are conducting."

According to courtroom sources, Trump's legal team objected to the construction, but to no avail. "Your honor, you literally just had a hangman measure my client's neck to see what size noose he needed," said lead lawyer Ronald Arbuckle. "The prosecution has only called a single witness. Also, we don't hang people in this country. Doesn't this violate at least a few dozen laws?"

At publishing time, Trump's legal team objected once again as the court wheeled in a massive scale to weigh Trump against a duck to see if he was a witch.

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