NEW YORK, NY—Responding to numerous statements which don’t mention him by name but are widely believed to include him in their intended audience, Donald Trump, Republican presidential candidate and self-described Presbyterian, fired back at the Holy Bible Saturday after it reportedly accused him of not being a Christian.
“I’ve said many times that I greatly appreciate the Bible, it has served us well, but folks, we can do better,” Trump said in a video shared on his Facebook page, adding that the Scriptures are “millions of years old and weak, so weak,” attributes he implied are to blame for Christianity’s perceived decline in America and why ISIS is “chopping off Christian heads.”
“‘Has-Been Bible’ says I’m not a Christian, but that is a lie, folks. I am a tremendous Christian—the very best,” Trump assured the nation. “These numerous verses from the Bible—which, by the way, doesn’t even have the courage to address me by name—but these verses that try to paint me as somehow un-Christian, they’re ridiculous and false, and it’s pathetic, really. It’s sad!”
Pressed for comment, the Holy Bible released a one-sentence statement: “You will know them by their fruits.”