Trump Announces Illegal Immigrant Gladiator Games

TUCSON, AZ—Keeping his foot on the gas as he speeds toward the nomination, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump unveiled a new campaign attraction at his Tucson rally Saturday: Roman-style gladiator games, in which illegal-immigrant combatants fight to the death for the entertainment of rally-goers.

The games, expected to be held at every Trump rally for the remainder of the election cycle, reportedly feature undocumented Mexican immigrants doing combat with crude weaponry such as swords, spears, daggers, and small shields, in a winner-take-all battle to the death.

“Is this great or is this great?” Trump crowed to the roaring Arizona crowd. “Julius Caesar was onto something, I think, but nobody—and he was a great leader, Julius, a strong leader—but nobody does gladiator games like Trump.”

He added, “I said I’d get rid of the illegals, and we’d let a few stay, but only the best—didn’t I say that?—only the very best. Well here’s how we find the very best!”