MENIFEE, CA — Members of the community were shocked and saddened to hear the story of a local man who got married young and never got to experience the joy of getting drunk at bars and waking up hungover with a new STD every morning.

The man's life-altering choices were recognized as a tragedy by many who claimed he had chosen a path completely devoid of any illegitimate children, substance abuse issues, or criminal convictions.

"It's awful to see such a wasted life," said one of the man's high school classmates. "Back in school, a lot of us had him pegged as a prime candidate to really mess things up for himself by getting married, having kids, and starting a stable career instead of spending his 20s getting plastered and having one-night stands every night. Sadly, we were all right about him."

When asked to comment on the direction his life has taken, the man was surprisingly unrepentant. "I don't know how I could possibly be any happier," he said. "I've been married to an amazing woman for years, we've got beautiful children, and I don't have to worry about the permanent effects of STDs like people I went to school with. Call me crazy, but waking up to my smiling wife and the laughter of my kids is better than hangovers."

At publishing time, the community was further horrified to learn that the man and his wife regularly attended church and that none of their children identify as queer.

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