Tragedy Forces Every American To Ask How They Can Bend The Facts To Support Their Preferred Narrative

U.S.—In the wake of the worst mass shooting in the nation’s history that ended at least 59 lives and wounded over 500 others, citizens across America were forced to take a quick, hard look at the facts, and ask themselves how exactly they can bend what actually happened during the course of this ghastly tragedy so that it supports their own preferred narrative.

“When I saw what happened in Las Vegas, it was so tragic, I knew immediately that I had to find a way to twist the story so it furthered my political and social beliefs,” one local man told reporters. “We all have our differences in this country, but when a national tragedy of this magnitude takes place, we have no choice but to do whatever it takes to frame it in such a way that it pins the blame on our enemies and scores us points in internet debates with people on the other side.”

Citizens across the nation went so far as to confirm that as soon as news of the violence broke, they immediately began secretly hoping that the shooter was the type of person who would fit perfectly as one of the antagonists of their worldview, whether that be a Muslim, Christian, atheist, American, foreigner, Antifa loyalist, racist, liberal, conservative, or anarchist, as they frequently refreshed the home page of their favorite news source which is unabashedly biased and exists to support their own specific opinions.

“There’s a time for weeping with those who weep—that comes later. But immediately after an unspeakably horrific act such as this, we must look inside ourselves for the strength and courage to distort the facts about what happened, if need be, and then come together as Americans and argue as though our lives depended on it,” the man being interviewed added to reporters. “Just like we did after the last national tragedy, and just like we’ll do after the next one.”