ORLANDO, FL—As the nation mourns the sudden and unexpected loss of TBN co-founder Jan Crouch, various baffled prosperity gospel preachers have begun offering theories Tuesday on how Crouch could possibly have passed away, given her overabundance of faith, her supernatural ability to name and claim health and wealth at will, and her decades of collecting donations while promising that God’s will is for everybody to be wealthy and healthy.
“Even the best of us, like Jan Crouch, have moments of doubt, when we allow a downward spiral of negative thoughts to take hold and steal our health,” Joel Osteen noted in a video posted to Facebook. “Maybe she read a really mean tweet or some criticism of her theology, and she spoke the words out loud and gave them life. How else can you explain someone who possessed supernatural health from God dying four years before the average female life expectancy in the U.S., while she owned a company running a program called ‘Receive Your Healing’—which starts out with the words, ‘Healing flows when you delight yourself in God’s word. Come to Jesus and freely receive your healing today. Discover Christ’s heart of love in wanting to touch, heal, and restore you to wholeness, for every physical and emotional need. Come and receive your healing.’—and then proceeds to a clip of Joseph Prince explaining how God will heal you of absolutely anything if you will just speak the right words? I mean, you can watch this online right now.”
“She must’ve spoken negative words out loud. That’s the only explanation I’ve got,” Osteen concluded.
Fighting off tears, televangelist Benny Hinn told reporters during an interview that Crouch must have spoken her own death into existence. “People who are strong in faith unlock their own potential and destiny. Jan must have tired of the treasures of this life—luxury has its limits, which she certainly tested—and she spoke her own demise into being. I can’t think of a single other reason that can explain why she would die of a stroke during ‘healing month’ on TBN, when the network is reminding its fans that ‘God wants them well and whole,'” Hinn added, before being ushered into a limousine and speeding off to his private hangar for his next crusade in a third-world country.
Bishop T. D. Jakes posited his own theory in an afternoon press release, stating that the massive stroke she suffered must have simply had more faith than her. “We must speak victory over our obstacles, and in this case, the stroke must have somehow released its life force by declaring victory over Jan Crouch’s health—activating God to do its will through faith, unfortunately.”
Lastly, Kenneth Copeland gave an interview saying that the circumstances of her death didn’t make sense, before nervously adding that he’s going to increase his health declarations to four times per day, since he “ain’t gettin’ any younger” himself.
Whatever the reason for Crouch’s sudden passing, Trinity Broadcasting Network has announced an upcoming month of solemnly and aggressively seeking donations in her honor.