ALEXANDRIA, VA—A spokesperson for the Salvation Army Family Store confirmed Tuesday that the popular line of thrift shops will no longer be accepting donations in the rapture fiction genre. “We have enough Left Behind books to pave the parking lot,” the representative stated in a press release. “Our store managers have been instructed to turn away any donations of fictional works set in or around the time of Christ’s return, on sight. We simply cannot afford the liabilities involved with the upkeep and storage of teetering towers of books describing the fiery wrath of God on the earth from the perspective of one-dimensional characters. And don’t get me started on the film adaptations.”
This announcement comes as a blow to the millions of Americans looking to offload their rapture fiction after just last week being hit with the news that the nation’s public landfills would no longer accept the same books and videos. The new governmental regulations, taking effect the first of the month, place tighter restrictions on the quantities and types of motor oil, electronics, batteries, high-density polyethylene, and apocalyptic novels the nation’s junkyards will accept. While the laws are tough on hazardous chemicals, there is now a zero-tolerance policy on doomsday fiction.
So what is a family with dozens of Left Behind books and their spinoffs to do? “Recycle!” a waste authority manager told us. “These kinds of books make great paperweights, kindling, bird cage liner, and even a conversation piece for your entryway.”
Items being considered for next year’s ban list, according to an anonymous source within a top ecological agency, include heaven-tourism books, WWJD bracelets, and Steven Curtis Chapman cassettes.