HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen, celebrity senior pastor of Lakewood Church, has been proclaiming the life-changing power of regular, vocal, positive declarations and self-affirmations for years, and for just as long has pointed to his own life and accomplishments as irrefutable evidence of their efficacy.
"My primary residence has more elevators than your house has bathrooms," he told churchgoers in a recent sermon. "And do you know why? It's because I declared it would happen. I spoke my desired reality out loud. Right out of my mouth. For years and years I woke up every morning and said, "I declare that I will earn such a fortune that I will own a home that has three elevators. I declare that I will achieve such opulence by being the pastor of a church. In Jesus' name."
He said let there be elevators…and there were elevators. And he saw that the elevators were good. But that did not stop America's favorite pastor from aspiring to new heights - literally.
That's right. Through the power of positive declarations, Joel Osteen can now fly.
It's no great secret how he acquired the ability to levitate and propel himself through the air at will. "Ever since I was a boy, I've wanted to fly," he announced Sunday from his pulpit in front of 15,000 churchgoers and another 7 million watching on TV. "Well I just decided one day I wasn't going to let the enemy hold me back anymore, and I started boldly declaring before God each and every day that I was going to fly. I spoke the words, 'I'm taking the limits off of you, God. I will achieve flight. I declare it so!' And guess what happened, church…"
Osteen then levitated off the stage and proceeded to fly around the former Compaq Center which now serves as Lakewood's global headquarters, above the mass of hysterically-cheering faithful, a large smile plastered on his face.
After the service, Osteen spoke to some reporters. "Declare your destiny out loud, that is my advice to you," he told them. "Take the limits off God."
"Now, if you'll excuse me," he added, just before rocketing into the sky, "I've got to go see about canceling a Gulfstream order."
