Survey: Nation’s Calvinists Strongly Support War With Armenia

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A Pew Research Center survey was released Wednesday detailing the attitudes and opinions of the nation’s Calvinists on whether or not they would support war with the nation of Armenia, and the findings were intriguing.

According to the survey results, 9 out of 10 Calvinists would “definitely” support war with Armenia, with many citing its “man-centered theology” as a main reason.

“We haven’t seen this kind of near-unanimous support for a conflict since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and Americans rallied around national involvement in World War II,” research head Dr. Maurice Vinkerstein said in an interview. “It’s absolutely fascinating.”

The survey found Calvinists were extremely passionate about the issue, with many declaring it was “predestined” that the U.S. should enter military conflict with the country for even the slightest affront. When survey administers merely mentioned the word “Armenian,” several respondents even began foaming at the mouth and reportedly had to be restrained lest they harm themselves and others, according to Dr. Vinkerstein.

“When we theorized the possibility of war with Armenia for the sake of the survey, hundreds of Calvinist respondents even immediately volunteered to enlist on the frontlines of the war. It was really quite frightening.”