Surgeon General’s Warning To Be Stamped On All Bibles Starting Next Year

U.S.—In an effort to make sure the public is educated about the drastic effects the Word of God may have upon its readers, the FDA has announced that beginning next year, all new Bibles sold in America must be stamped with a warning from the Surgeon General which notifies them that “Bible Reading Can Cause Belief In Objective Truth, Disagreement With Socially Accepted Values, Faith And Trust In God, And May Forever Change Your Life And Eternity.”

“Consumers need to be aware of the consequences of reading this book,” an FDA spokesman said at a Wednesday press conference announcing the change. “Some people pick one up on a whim, or they’re peer pressured into reading the Scriptures one time, and the next thing you know they’re hooked and they believe that the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ was sufficient to atone for their sins against a holy God.”

Explaining that many new readers aren’t prepared to find themselves flying in the face of ever-changing cultural opinions and believing in things like absolute truth, that God created the universe and everything in it, and that every human is made in the image of God, the spokesman praised the efforts of this warning label campaign.

“The effects of the Bible on its users are well-documented and undeniable,” he said. “Now people will know what they’re getting into when they pick up this book.”