Supreme Court OKs Death Penalty For Commenting On Articles Without Reading Them

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark decision, the U.S. Supreme Court bench handed down a ruling Friday approving the death penalty for people who comment on articles without reading them.

In the highly publicized case, State of Texas v. Wilbur, state authorities had found internet user Edward Wilbur guilty of posting a comment on a story linked on his Facebook page, a news story Wilbur “had clearly never read.”

While most of those convicted under Texas’ recent state law banning commenting on news stories or opinion pieces without reading them get off with a few months of community service or a stiff fine, the “severe stupidity” of Wilbur’s comment reportedly landed him a shocking sentence of execution by lethal injection.

“Mr. Wilbur commented on a news story about a minor update to Texas public schools’ science curriculum,” prosecuting attorney Hank Cassidy told reporters outside the Supreme Court building just after the controversial ruling was announced. “But it was immediately apparent he hadn’t even read the article, and barely even glanced at the headline. He left a long, rambling comment attacking Obamacare, liberals, evolution in the school system, and chem trails, among other topics.”

According to Cassidy, this led to state officials taking Wilbur in for questioning before booking him on the capital charge of commenting without reading, kicking off a long appeals process, which finally concluded with the Supreme Court’s hearing of the case in today’s historic decision.

“This will be good for America,” the prosecuting attorney said. “Finally, justice has been done.”