Sullen Mark Zuckerberg Snuffs Out A Few Conservative Websites To Lift His Spirits

MENLO PARK, CA—Worn out from days of dealing with congressional hearings on Russia’s influence in the 2016 presidential election, as well as from the seemingly renewed environment of mistrust around the social media giant’s overall power to influence the way people think, a sullen Mark Zuckerberg decided Wednesday to snuff out a few conservative websites in order to lift his spirits, sources within Facebook confirmed.

Reclining in his office, the downcast billionaire reportedly felt his burdens ease a bit as he fired up Facebook and clicked on the search bar, entering a few political terms and browsing through the results to find the most conservative-looking websites that have Facebook pages.

“Always brightens my day a little bit,” Zuckerberg is said to have uttered as he instantly banned a handful of right-wing sites from having any presence on Facebook, while also drastically throttling the reach of several others, so that the content they post to the social media service will reach only a fraction of their following, effectively ruining them as an internet property.

Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, a sense of calm reportedly came over the Facebook head as he pondered how he just choked off the main source of traffic for these websites, smiling slightly as he imagined their ad revenue quickly drying up to the point where they can no longer function as a company and have to fold.

At publishing time, Zuckerberg was watching several panicked private message conversations between owners and employees of the websites he just buried, and was reportedly feeling “much, much better.”