Study: Calvinists Comprised Of 72% Craft Beer

STANFORD, CA—A new study, performed by researchers at the Stanford University School of Medicine, indicates that the Calvinist body is comprised of up to 72% craft beer.

The study found that high-quality microbrews most often begin coursing through a person’s veins while encountering a Kevin DeYoung, Paul Washer, or R. C. Sproul sermon for the first time, or else while reading through the book of Romans, “usually around Chapter 9 or so.”

“The second a person believes and receives the doctrines of grace, every ounce of blood and water in his body miraculously transforms into a zesty, hoppy IPA or a smooth, dark stout,” a university research intern said Monday. “It’s remarkable evidence of how God pours out His sovereign love on His people, much like how you or I would expertly pour a craft beer to form a perfect 1-inch-thick head of foam.”

The study also confirmed that Baptists are comprised of 72% Welch’s grape juice.