OAKLAND, CA—Shaking his head in disgust while huffing audibly, local man Jack Berlinski reported Thursday that Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors is clearly just a Christian ripoff of Michael Jordan, the secular professional basketball player who is widely considered the greatest of all time.
“This is typical,” Berlinski noted to reporters. “Just typical Christian fare. Curry imitates everything about Jordan, puts his little Christian spin on it, and rides his blatant plagiarism straight to the bank. It’s shameful.”
“Jordan was a guard, right?” Berlinski explained, with incredulity oozing out from behind his clenched teeth. “Oh look—here comes Curry, six years after Jordan’s retirement. Do you think he plays center, forward, or guard? I’ll give you one guess.”
“And you know about Jordans—the shoes—don’t you? Of course you do; everyone does. Well guess who else came out with their own shoe? Gee, I wonder who that might be! You can even get the Curry shoes with a little Bible verse on them. You can’t make this stuff up.”
After a brief moment to collect himself, Berlinski continued.
“Go to YouTube right now and look at a few Curry highlight reels. Then look at some Jordan highlight reels. Curry just shamelessly apes everything about Jordan—he dribbles, he shoots, he scores, he calls time-out sometimes, he’s really good, he works hard, he leads his team, he wins games for his team, he’s considered one of the best to ever do it. He obviously studied Michael Jordan closely and intentionally replicated everything about his game, then, like Christians always do because they can never come up with anything original—ever—he put his corny little Jesus-veneer on it, and guess what? Christians around the world eat it up. Pathetic!”
Berlinski said he had “a lot more to say on the subject” but ended his conference with a plea for like-minded individuals to join him in regularly submitting scathing one-star reviews on any product bearing Stephen Curry’s name.