Southern Baptists Announce Crackdown On Fun

PHOENIX, AZ—Stating that lax denominational leadership has let the problem go on for far too long, Steve Gaines, president of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced a new crackdown on fun among Southern Baptist church members Wednesday afternoon at the 2017 SBC Annual Meeting.

The new initiative reportedly aims to discourage and ultimately ban any activity deemed overly fun or joyous, including but not limited to playing video, board, or card games, sports other than football, drinking alcohol or soda, dancing, laughing at jokes, and smiling.

“Activities that give participants any kind of dopamine rush are definitely out,” a stoic Gaines explained from the stage at the Phoenix Convention Center. “We’ve just started to slip up recently—Southern Baptists are having more fun than ever before—so we’ll be running a tighter ship going forward.”

“We’re bringing things back to the glory days of the 1950’s, when Southern Baptists never had any fun—ever—and liked it that way. So brothers, sisters: if you see something, for goodness sake, say something.”

As part of the new initiative, a special SBC council voted unanimously in support of a non-binding resolution strongly encouraging member churches to replace any enjoyable television viewing with “good, solid, unspeakably boring Christian entertainment, which alone is glorifying to our Father in Heaven.”