Sinister Plot To Interpret Bible Literally Exposed

WASHINGTON, D. C.—A deep-rooted, sinister plot to read the Bible, determine its historical-grammatical meaning, and provide an interpretation consistent with the original authors’ intent has been exposed in the nation’s conservative seminaries, Bible colleges, and churches, a report released by the Department of Homeland Security revealed Friday.

The findings of the report were “utterly shocking,” according to a DHS spokesperson at an afternoon press conference.

“We have found that a whole swath of schools and religious organizations in the nation were involved in this massive exegetical conspiracy to convey original biblical authors’ meaning in proper context, rather than reading their own, perhaps more culturally appropriate interpretation into the text,” the spokesperson explained. “This is a dangerous and disturbing underground movement, the implications of which are staggering. Just think of all the nation’s children who could have been exposed to dangerous levels of eternal truth if these far-reaching, malevolent designs had been allowed to continue.”

“We were dangerously close to a nationwide outbreak of fruit of the Spirit, in which any number of citizens could have been exposed to dangerous levels of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control,” he added.

Department heads from Dallas Theological Seminary, Southern Seminary, and The Master’s Seminary have been indicted for their active role in the conspiracy, while several department chairs at Fuller Seminary, Yale Divinity, and Harvard Divinity were released after brief questioning, as it was clear to investigators they were not involved in the plot in any way.