Scholars: Jesus Spent 40 Days In Wilderness Attending Amped-Up Men’s Conference

ISRAEL—Saying the discovery could revolutionize scholarship on the life of Christ and change the way evangelicals run their ministry to men, a team of biblical researchers, archaeologists, and scholars confirmed Thursday that Jesus actually spent those 40 days in the wilderness at the beginning of His ministry attending a “lit, amped-up men’s conference” being held in a remote location.

While Christians have long believed that Jesus went to the desert to pray and consecrate Himself for ministry, new evidence suggests He actually got hyped up at a weekend-long, testosterone-fueled men’s ministry event packed with manly events, speakers, and attractions.

The ancient men’s conference included live demonstrations of bazookas and other high-powered weaponry, a monster truck derby, motocross events, and a live sermon by Mark Driscoll, scholars now believe. Dubbed “Hebrew Testosterone Fest AD 29,” the event helped prepare the Messiah for ministry by bathing Him in macho stereotypes of male hobbies and behaviors.

“We found thousands of empty Monster Energy drink cans out where the high-energy men’s conference was apparently held, and we believe this is where Jesus spent most of His time during His journey to the wilderness that kicked off His public ministry,” Hebrew expert Hank Wylde told reporters. “Fliers recovered from the location indicate that Jewish males would come to this conference once a year to watch live MMA fights and dunk contests, fire machine guns into the air, and talk about how manly they are.”

“If Jesus was going to minister to 12 men for 3 years, he had to get pumped up with some masculine activities like pick-up football games and blowing off some steam at the gun range, of course,” he added.

Sources also claim that Jewish women held a similar conference at which they would simply make crafts and sip tea for an entire week.