INTERNET—Sources confirmed Thursday morning that Satan’s armies are still heavily focused on infiltrating and maintaining control of website comments sections across the web, a tactical onslaught they’ve been focused on for the better part of the past decade.
“Comments sections are one of the primary recruiting tools Satan’s forces use to influence people toward darkness,” demonology expert Donald Velasco noted. “This is why most healthy people cannot wade too deeply into any comments section on the internet without being overwhelmed by the presence of sheer evil, as they are bombarded with words and opinions more hateful, vile, and barbaric than any mere human could concoct.”
“During my research, I got too far down in some YouTube comments and ended up having to wash my eyeballs with paint thinner,” he added.
While more and more publishers are closing their comments sections in an attempt to purge demonic forces from their web presence, they’re still being featured on websites far and wide.
“The best you can do is just try to avoid them, or at least stay away from their most infamous strongholds,” Velasco noted. “If you find yourself submerged in a comments section on a site like, say, Reddit—then God help you.”