San Diego Zoo Opens Cage-Stage Calvinist Exhibit To Public

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo unveiled its highly anticipated new exhibit “Close Encounters With Cage-Stage Calvinists” Wednesday, garnering much acclaim and praise for the up-close-and-personal look at the notoriously aggressive species.

The exhibit allows zoo patrons the rare chance to interact with the wild creatures through a glass wall that is six inches thick—twice the thickness of the glass used for other large mammals.

One zoo member reported her experience was simultaneously frightening and invigorating. “It’s such an experience to see these ferocious creatures right in front of you,” she said. “If they weren’t caged, they would have torn my assurance of salvation to shreds.”

She further claimed one of the Calvinists began banging on the glass and screaming something about Romans 9 to her before a caretaker managed to tranquilize him.

Zoo officials state that the program is not just for the enjoyment of the public—like many of the animals on display at the park, the cage-stage Calvinists are slowly being rehabilitated with the hope of eventually reintroducing them into the wild.

“We do exercises with them, like slowly introducing them to Christians of other traditions until they don’t rabidly attack them at first sight,” a zoo veterinarian specialist told reporters. “Once they work their way up to being able to converse with an Arminian, we know we can begin the process of introducing them back into their natural habitat.”