Russia Announces New Plan To Just Let The U.S. Tear Itself Apart Unaided

MOSCOW—After years of meddling by Russian agents and Russia-funded bots and hacking attempts, the Kremlin announced Thursday it would be withdrawing from all activity in the U.S., and would instead be allowing the country to tear itself apart without any help from them.

“Our spies and bots simply couldn’t keep up with the rapid pace at which America is destroying itself,” Russian President Vladimir Putin said in a press conference Thursday. “They’re on the verge of tearing each other to shreds. Really, it’s quite impressive.”

Putin stated his spies stationed abroad tried their hardest to divide America, but were outpaced and outclassed at every turn by the country’s highly motivated politicians and partisan activists, who are doing “a far better job” than his own spies could at ripping the country apart.

“They don’t need our help, apparently. So we’ll just get out of the way and let them have at it. Bravo, America!” Putin added.