Researchers Discover Cure For Man Bun

SEATTLE, WA—In what’s being called a miraculous breakthrough, researchers at the University of Washington announced Monday a promising new treatment for the unfortunate male hairstyle known as a “man bun.”

The cure is reportedly comprised an inexpensive operation using a pair of shears, coupled with a psychiatric follow-up administered by a medical professional designed to help the victim come to the conclusion that they need to make better decisions about their life.

“In early clinical trials, our aggressive treatment plan has shown a nearly 98% success rate,” Dr. Ivan E. Orlov told reporters excitedly. “While a small number of patients later relapsed into gathering their unkempt, sometimes thinning hair into a malformed growth near the back of their head, the vast majority enjoyed sustained recovery and a happy post-man-bun life.”

According to Orlov, early experimental treatments like making fun of the subject, covering the deformed lump with a hat or beanie, and waiting for the patient to come to his senses proved ineffective.

“We found that the malicious growth had to be attacked from the root in order to see a marked recovery in the patient,” Orlov said.

University researchers are confident the treatment will be approved by the FDA in coming months, along with similar treatments for people who still wear fanny packs.