Republican Party Publishes New, Improved Edition Of Jesus’s Beatitudes

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to modify and improve the message of the gospels to conform to a modern conservative agenda, the Republican Party published a revised version of the Beatitudes on its website Friday morning.

While the Sermon on the Mount has continually challenged Christians to examine their worldview and become more Christlike as they meditate on the words of the Savior, the new and improved translation of Jesus’ famous words in Matthew 5 now fits in perfectly with the worldview of the GOP.

“You no longer have to read Matthew 5 and be really uncomfortable with some of Jesus’s rhetoric,” a GOP spokesperson said Friday.

The full translation, to be inserted into Republicans’ copies of the Scriptures everywhere, is below:

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down, placing his modified AR-15 assault rifle on a rock nearby. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.

He said:

Blessed are the corporations, for they shall receive corporate welfare at the expense of the taxpayers.
Blessed are those who are triggered over the slightest criticism of President Trump, for they shall be comforted by Fox News.
Blessed are the millennials, for they shall inherit our massive national debt.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for political power, for theirs is the White House.
Blessed are the immigrants from white countries, for they shall receive citizenship.
Blessed are the warmongers, for theirs is the oil and arms sales.
Blessed are the NRA members in good standing, for they shall spot an active shooter and take him down with their concealed Desert Eagle.
Blessed are those who stand for the national anthem, for the NFL’s ratings shall plummet before them.
Blessed are those who are persecuted by Walmart greeters saying Happy Holidays, for their boycott shall be profitable. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

The Republican National Committee has made the new, more palatable version of the Beatitudes in a handy printable format on its website, so that GOP members can download, print, and paste the much-needed revision right over the current edition in their Bibles.

The move was instantly praised by conservative evangelicals all over the country, who expressed enthusiasm at the concept of revising parts of the Bible that don’t seem to explicitly support the full platform of the Republican party.