WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources within the National Archives and Records Administration, actor Nicolas Cage nearly carried out a plot to steal the original Declaration of Independence from the National Archives building in Washington during the federal government shutdown, and was foiled at the last moment when the shutdown ended Monday.
“The nation’s founding documents were vulnerable—high level security measures were totally disabled,” a NARA spokesperson told reporters. “Thank God the shutdown ended when it did. Not a moment too soon.”
Cage had reportedly assembled a team of bandits, including a demure former FBI agent with her Ph.D. in American history, and a wise-cracking computer expert with a self-deprecating sense of humor.
Sources speculate Cage’s motive to steal the Declaration may have been to protect its ideals from damage caused by the politicians currently in Washington, as well as his own personal debt load, which is reputed to be enormous.
No charges have yet been filed.