WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to a new report published by the FCC Monday, every single news article, blog post, opinion piece, and everything else on the internet - absolutely everything - is "entirely, 100% fabricated."

"We scoured every page on the approximately 1.2 billion websites currently in existence, and came to the conclusion that every single piece of information was just made up on the spot," FCC Director Ajit V. Pai said of the findings in a press conference. "Facts, statistics, news reports, dates, times, places: you name it. It's all apparently just been made up out of thin air for whatever reason."

Pai claimed one news article uploaded to NPR's website in October 2014 appeared to contain a completely true fact about the migration of sea turtles, but a later revision to the story had since replaced the fact with a totally out-of-left-field anecdote about the reptilian creature that was 100% false.

"It's all fake. All of it. Go read a paper or talk to a barber or something," the study stated in its published summary.