Report: Every Single Person At Church Doing ‘Fine’

ERIE, PA—The results of Pastor Mike’s informal survey are in: every single member of Bayfront Methodist Church is doing either “fine,” “good,” or “real good.” When the pastor pressed for details, members responded with some combination of, “No really, I’m doing great,” or else, “Yeah, things are good, things are good.”

The survey was conducted as the pastor faithfully stood at the doors of the church after the Sunday service, shaking the hands of each churchgoer as they left and asking how they were doing.

“It’s really quite spectacular,” the pastor told reporters Monday. “You would think, given the state of our fallen world, that at least one person would be going through a crisis or battling some kind of indwelling sin that they need help with. But not at this church—we’re all doing fine it seems. Praise the Lord!”

Prayer requests for the week included several reports of distant friends and family that were struggling with sin, but nobody in the church reported needing prayer for themselves. “Prayer? Me?” one congregant said to Pastor Mike, a puzzled expression on her face. “No. I mean, you can pray for me generally, but really I’m not in much need of anything right now. I’m doing awesome, really.” She was later spotted at a coffee shop, bawling her eyes out over some personal struggle, according to sources.

Reporters then asked Pastor Mike how he was doing. “Who, me? Oh yeah, I’m doing just fine,” he confirmed.