LAWRENCEVILLE, GA – At a press conference Thursday, the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) announced the launch its new line of ready-made frozen meals, branded “Frozen Choices.”
The denomination, known among other things for its Reformed theology and emotionally muted worship services, hopes the new campaign will raise its visibility among the American public via the local grocery store.
“We believe anyone who samples a Frozen Choices entrée will be compelled to buy more,” says Dr. George Robertson, moderator of the PCA General Assembly. “The taste is irresistible.”
Reports confirm the PCA will not purchase advertisements for the new food items. “God will draw those he ordains to the frozen aisle, so they may enjoy Frozen Choices, by his grace,” says Robertson.
According to a press release, the meals will be named in honor of well-known Presbyterian pastors, to include R.C Sprouts, Timothy Kale, and Ligon Dumplings.
Asked why Frozen Choices will debut in a very limited number of stores, Robertson replied, “That’s not really the right question. The question is why any of us, undeserving as we are, would have the opportunity to enjoy a frozen meal this delicious,” before stressing that consumers should, no matter how excited they are to try the new meals, proceed to their local grocer in a calm, orderly manner.