APOPKA, FL—In honor of Memorial Day, televangelist Paula White is offering up to 50% off salvation and related products through Monday night, with the purchase of one salvation of equal or lesser value.
The deal is available online or at White’s New Destiny Christian Center megachurch, which installed a giant inflatable gorilla on the megachurch’s roof in order to promote the event.
“Act fast! These deals won’t last!” White said on a national television advertisement spreading the news about the unprecedented sale. “All weekend long, you can get saved, healed, blessed, or anointed for up to half off regular prices!”
“But wait—there’s more! Act now, and we’ll throw in a special word of prophecy straight from Paula to you, for just a fraction of the regular cost! It’s guaranteed to be positive, and nothing condemning or discouraging, or your money back!”
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that President Trump had taken advantage of the sale, purchasing a second blessing, a holy anointing, and a fourth sinner’s prayer all for just $45,000.