NAPLES, FL—According to multiple sources within Revival Church, Pastor Kent Snider utilized 78 different euphemisms for the biblical concept of sin in one 18-minute sermon this past Sunday, obliterating his own previous record of just 28 substitutes for the term.
Snider’s message, titled “Breathing Life Into Our Brokenness,” opened with a short video clip from Rocky III. But as Sylvester Stallone’s powerful voice faded out, Snider was out of the blocks at a lightning-quick pace and well on his way to a world record.
“Jesus died for your hurts, habits, and hangups, for your failures and foibles—for your oops-a-daisies and your boo-boos,” he reportedly declared before refreshing himself with a sip of his beverage stationed at the foot of his lectern. “And you know, the Hebrew Scriptures suggest to us that we all might have had moral oversights, bounced spiritual checks, and bashful blunders. So we sometimes don’t quite live up to our God-given potential. That’s right in the book of Romans.”
Gayle Clarke, spokesperson for Guinness World Records, spoke to reporters Thursday about the feat. “It’s really quite remarkable. That’s well over four SEPM—sin euphemisms per minute—an unthinkable rate just fifty years ago. The strides we have made in doing language-defying backflips in order to sugar-coat the concept of transgressing against a holy God in recent years are a real testament to the human spirit.”
Sources close to Snider are also confirming that he will attempt yet another astounding feat this Sunday—this time attempting to preach on Romans 1 without mentioning God’s wrath by name a single time.