NEWARK, TX—Having received a courtesy phone call from his friend Benny Hinn tipping him off to the federal government’s crackdown on Hinn’s ministry, a sweating, frantic Kenneth Copeland drove to his ministry headquarters Friday morning, sat down at one of his employees’ computers, and ordered 15 industrial paper shredders from Amazon, sources confirmed.
The shredders will reportedly be used to destroy millions of compromising financial documents. “They came for Benny, they’re coming for me,” the televangelist is said to have uttered as he typed ‘amazon.com’ into the web browser.
Scrolling through the various pieces of equipment available on the popular online storefront, Copeland filtered through dozens of lower-end, consumer-level shredders until a $24,000.00 industrial model that advertised the ability to shred up to 900 pounds of damning ministry tax documents per hour caught his eye.
“Perfect, this one can shred 500 incriminating files at once,” a nervous Copeland said as he perused the powerful, high-volume industrial paper shredder’s impressive statistics. “It can even get rid of 45,000 credit cards in an hour—that should do the trick.”
Adding the shredders to his cart and purchasing them on his ministry credit card, Copeland was then seen impatiently refreshing his Amazon tracking information, occasionally pacing to the window and nervously looking out the blinds at every passing helicopter and vehicle, sources confirmed.