TEHRAN, IRAN — An oppressed Iranian woman who did not dare give journalists her name for fear of deadly repercussions said she finally feels like there's hope thanks to an American mega-corporation unveiling a new package of all-female M&Ms.

"I didn't know candy had genders, but I now feel empowered as a woman knowing Americans can buy candy that has only browns, purples, and greens," said the anonymous woman while nursing cuts and bruises she received because she had looked at a man. "With this all-female chocolate candy, it's only a matter of time before the Iranian regime stops oppressing, beating, raping, and publicly hanging women!"

The woman tearfully recounted how she was so overjoyed that she risked her life by sneaking to her friend's house to share how girl M&Ms were flipping the status quo in America and that the M&M characters wore cute, empowering shoes and makeup, only to find that her friend's entire family had been arrested, tortured, and killed.

At publishing time, all-female M&Ms had surpassed expectations of giving little girls diabetes, and the oppressed Iranian woman had been imprisoned.

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