CAROL STREAM, IL—According to a recent Christianity Today readers’ survey, the majority of infants remain undecided on the divisive issue of paedobaptism. The poll, which included both print and online subscribers, questioned zero-to-one-year-olds from a wide range of denominational traditions. The results were inconclusive, as the vast majority of respondents simply drooled or vomited all over the six-page packet, or began bawling uncontrollably.
Of 5061 respondents, only two marked the “Agree” box when asked to consider the statement, “Baptizing infants or young children is a biblical practice.” On further analysis, these results were thrown out, as what appeared to be pencil markings were in fact vomit. Similarly, a group of Pentecostal newborns were found to have a strong dislike for the practice of baptizing babies, but these results were also found to be vomit.
“We’re disappointed by the ambivalence of the respondents, as we had hoped to open an interdenominational dialogue among the infants and young children of various faith traditions regarding this hot-button issue, since they are the ones most-directly affected by it,” a statement released by Christianity Today read. “We’re also somewhat concerned with the high percentage of respondents vomiting when confronted with tough theological and ecclesiastical questions. Seriously, what are you feeding these kids?”
The survey also found that infants remain surprisingly apathetic on a wide range of doctrinal issues confronting the church today, such as transubstantiation, women in ministry, and biblical inerrancy.