New Study Confirms Everything The Sound Guy’s Fault

U.S.—A new study performed by LifeWay Research confirmed Monday that absolutely everything that went wrong at the last church service you attended was the sound guy’s fault.

The study looked at worship slide misfires, lyrical errors, broken microphones, bad song selection, faulty theology, bad preaching, lack of commitments to Christ, and more, and concluded that every single one of the issues was the fault of the guy sitting in the sound booth.

“Many people have historically assumed that everything is the pastor’s fault, but the data doesn’t corroborate this hypothesis,” head researcher Paul Lyle told reporters. “Every single problem in a church service can be laid at the feet of the sound guy. It’s science.”

One church in the study was exhibiting a high number of off-key notes in the worship songs, and researchers were able to isolate the problem, confirming that once again, it was the sound guy’s fault. The church also had poor lighting and bad foyer coffee, both of which showed evidence of being the wrongdoing of the sound guy.

The study further recommends that any time something goes wrong at church, every person in the service should turn their heads and look judgmentally at the sound guy, since it’s most definitely his fault.