New Martin Luther-Shaped Amazon Echo Will Rudely Answer All Your Theology Questions

U.S.—Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther.

Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the Reformer’s trademark aggressive tone and style.

An Amazon rep gave a demo at the press conference announcing the device, showing off some of its dynamic responses:

“Luther, can you tell me about the Pope?”

The Pope is a mere tormentor of conscience. The assembly of his greased and religious crew in praying is altogether like the croaking of frogs, which edifies nothing at all.

“Luther, am I a good person?”

You are a sinner, you’re dead, you’re eaten up with corruption. Every free choice of yours is evil and not good.

“Luther, is Joel Osteen a solid preacher?”

Yes, Joel is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.

The device was programmed to showcase as much scathing wit as Martin Luther had himself as he responded to his various theological and political foes throughout his years, and will quickly snap back to anything you ask it with a “brutal fatality,” claim Amazon’s product engineers.

According to Amazon, the device will also be able to order beer straight to the user’s home, jovially shouting, “Yes, let us drink beer!” whenever the consumer does so.