New Joel Osteen Study Bible Contains 30,000 Notes That Just Say ‘Believe In Yourself’

HOUSTON, TX—Stating the new product was the result of years of scholarship and intense personal study, popular Bible teacher Joel Osteen on Friday announced the release of his new Joel Osteen Study Bible, a copy of the Scriptures that contains over 30,000 detailed study notes that just say “Believe in yourself.”

“Let’s say you’re wondering what our Lord meant when He said He would separate the sheep from the goats in Matthew 25,” Osteen said in a video announcing the new Bible. “You can just look down at the bottom of the page, and there’s a carefully researched historical note that confirms the meaning of that text is ‘believe in yourself.'”

Osteen also showed off the commentary on difficult scriptural phrases like “weeping and gnashing of teeth,” “the wrath of God is revealed from heaven,” and “the gospel,” with every note on these and other opaque texts coming to the careful conclusion that the reader should simply believe in himself.

The pastor of America’s largest church further stated this Bible is for those who want to dig a little deeper, not accepting the face value of the text but rather doing the legwork to confirm that every verse just means that “you can do it” and “you are a champion.”

The new work, expected to sell millions of copies, also reportedly contains alongside the scriptural text dozens of articles by popular theologians such as Oprah Winfrey, Deepak Chopra, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur.