New Bible Interpretation Goggles Now Available

NASHVILLE, TN—LifeWay Christian Resources announced Monday that its long-awaited Bible interpretation goggles are now available, allowing Bible readers to interpret the text through whatever theological system or framework they are comfortable with.

The goggles are available in a variety of worldviews and preconceived notions.

“Let’s say you’re reading a passage that seems to suggest that baptism is for believers only, but you’re a Presbyterian,” a representative demoing the goggles said. “Just make sure your lenses are set to the Covenant Theology framework, and the passage appears to alter itself on the fly, hiding any language that might challenge that idea. No more pesky changing your worldview to fit the text—now the text will change to fit your worldview!”

The rep then demonstrated the settings for dispensationalism, Pentecostalism, cessationism, Calvinism, and Arminianism, with the goggles completely obliterating or heavily modifying in real-time any passages that challenge those frameworks.

“Calvinists will find a fresh new reading of John 3:16—”For God so loved the elect…”—while Arminians will find that the book of Romans skips directly from chapter 8 to chapter 10,” she added.

The device is being called a breakthrough, with dozens of prominent theologians on various sides of major issues endorsing the set of interpretation glasses. “It’s a whole new way to read the Bible,” one megachurch pastor said.

According to LifeWay, the initial production run of the goggles sold out almost immediately.