Nation’s Zombie Population Complains Of Halloween Costume Cultural Appropriation

U.S.—Speaking at a press conference Monday, the representatives for the nation’s population of flesh-eating, undead zombies delivered an emotional plea to American children to not dress up as insensitive and inaccurate representations of their culture.

The horrifying, deadly creatures have been hurt deeply by the rubber masks and green make-up and face paint used by children across the nation dressing up as their kind for Halloween.

“We are undead brain-eaters, NOT a costume,” one sign read at a recent zombie protest in Portland. Chants like “END CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!” and “FIGHT BIGOTRY!” were heard throughout the event, as the undead shambled around in a drunken circle holding signs and wearing shirts with clever slogans on them.

Witnesses at the protest claim things quickly turned ugly, as the walking dead became distracted by passersby and rushed them in a mob in an attempt to consume their brains.

“We need to have a national discussion about the unfair representation of fantastical creatures like zombies, vampires, and werewolves,” one CNN commentator said of the event. “What may have seemed like harmless fun in decades past is really a tradition that’s stifling and distorting the beautiful cultures of the creatures of the night.”